You might have heard of ‘attachment styles’. They refer to the way we learn to safely attach to others around us. We learn them in relationships with our first caregivers, and they tend to stick.

People who have an ‘anxious attachment style‘ tend to feel quite insecure in their relationships, worrying that the other person will suddenly abandon them at the drop of a hat. This leads them to seek a lot of reassurance from their partner.

People who have an ‘avoidant attachment style‘ tend to feel rather uncomfortable if others get too close to their true self, including their needs, wants and feelings. To them, it feels like being under attack. This leads them to keep their distance.

Anxiously and avoidantly attached people are drawn to each other, and often end up being in relationships together. As you can probably guess, both end up feeling unhappy in the relationship, with one person withdrawing and the other pursuing, leading the other to withdraw further and the first to pursue more, etc. etc.

Often these couples seek help for their communication style, arguments, or intimacy. While this can be really helpful, the attachment styles at their core remain untouched.

So, are you doomed?

Nope.

Yay!

What I find with the anxious-avoidant couples I work with, is that if we slow things down enough, we can start to work at the root of the relational attachment equation.

What does this look like?

Rather than trying to work through one specific issue as the focus, we focus on the dynamic in the couple. When both partners want the relationship to work, are motivated to do the work needed, and accept their share of the responsibility, good things are possible.

I help each partner connect with the core of their fear – for the anxious person, being abandoned, for the avoidant person, someone getting in and poisoning their well. There’s a way to work with this, when we slow down enough, so that each partner really REALLY gets to know themselves and their triggers.

As part of this process, couples learn so much about each other AND they start to communicate differently; Because once you REALLY get something at it’s core, things naturally start to shift. And at this point, issues start to be able to be worked through much more easily.

This is hard work though, it takes commitment and guts, because you do end up feeling vulnerable and facing quite scary things sometimes (facing your fears is terrifying, even/especially when they are emotional fears we’ve held in our body for forever).

There are no guarantees, but if you and your partner want to experience something different, doing this work can help.

Greater emotional intimacy starts to be possible as both person’s core fears start to be addressed, and new patterns of relating take shape.

Further reading:

"Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep - love." by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

"You are the one you've been waiting for: A new approach to intimate relationships" by Richard Schwartz

written by Anna Wiederroth, Clinical Psychologist (trauma and psychodynamically informed)