So, we've talked about how to recognise your own boundaries, what happens when these are crossed in terms of the fight/flight/freeze response, why this response might be so readily activated, and how responding from fight/flight/freeze isn't helpful for you or your relationships in the long run.
So how's it meant to look?
Here is an example of an assertive response to a boundary crossing:
"Hey that makes me uncomfortable, could you xyz (e.g. take a step back, not talk to me like that, not refer to me as that, not touch me like that etc.)."
Here's another:
"No, I don't want to do that."
Imagine saying this to your spouse, your friend, your colleague, your boss.
What feelings and reactions do you notice in your body as you read these "assertive" responses?
Do you notice a tighening in your guts? In your throat? Do you feel a little lightheaded? Or noticing the beginnings of a headache? Do you find yourself fearful of how the other person might respond?
This is anxiety, telling you that you are doing something that might be unsafe.
Why would being assertive feel unsafe?
I'll come to that in the next blog.
For now, know that it is more common for assertive communication to feel unsafe than you might think.
At the same time, there will be people you might be more assertive with in your life. Think about who these people are, and your relationship with them.
Chances are, when you are around this person, you feel more confident in yourself, and you also trust that person and how they will respond to you. Confidence and trust make asserting yourself much easier.
Therapy can help you figure out why asserting yourself is a struggle for you, what holds you back from doing it, and helps you move towards being able to do it in a way that feels safe to you.
By letting others assertively know where your boundaries are, they become "visible" to them and able to be respected.
Written by Anna Wiederroth,Clinical Psychologist.
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