Self-doubt. It gnaws away at your insides. It makes you turn down opportunities without trying them. It makes you question everything about yourself.
DidI make the right decision?
Did I say the right thing?
Did I do the right thing?
Did I take everything relevant into account?
What makes self-doubt even worse, is how considerate you are to other people. The questions above are only half the problem. In full, they read:
Did I make the right decision by (insert: partner, friend, child, colleague)?
Did I say the right thing, how did it make (insert: partner, friend, child, colleague) feel?
Did I do the right thing, how will it impact (insert: partner, friend, child, colleague)?
Did I take everything relevant into account, did I miss something that will affect (insert: partner, friend,
child, colleague) badly?
Self-doubt paints everything in gray-scale. It's hard to breathe, hard to move. You're stuck, locked into
ambivalence.
It's a silent struggle that your loved ones don't know that you have all day long.
You search for reassurance, but even if you get it, you doubt it. Self-doubt spreads and infiltrates your life until it feels like you no longer know up from down. Self-doubt is like the cancer of your soul. It erodes your confidence. Your peace of mind is gone. Your future looks, well, doubtful.
What is going on here? How did life get to be like this?
Self-doubt gets activated indifferent ways. Some of these include:
-you got feedback from someone you value and respect that completely floored you. Not only did you not see it coming, but you had felt secure in your decision process until then.
- someone in your life has a critical, judgmental manner, and you often bear the brunt of it. They are someone who matters to you, so you can't just ditch them.
- an event happened that was so far left field that it has knocked your world view. You used to think the world was an overall good place, where things were predictable. That is gone.
Repeated exposure to experiences like these strengthen self-doubt.
Combine this with your natural desire to make other people happy, and Boom. You are left functioning in a world where unpredictable things happen, trying to make it as positive as
possible for your nearest and dearest, but your gauge seems to be off and you just can't tell how to do that anymore.
What can I do about it?
Great question!
The trouble with self-doubt, is that everything feels out of your control. Your mind is spinning, your body is
tense, you feel lost. Work through the steps below to get some movement out of this space.
Strategy 1: What is within your control?
With the situation you are having doubts about, think about what is within your control and what is not. Make plans around what is in your control, let go of responsibility for the
rest.
This will vary with situations, but two elements remain consistent:
Within your control: You. Your actions. Your behaviour. Your decisions.
Out of your control: Other people. Their actions. Their behaviour. Their decisions.
Sometimes some people will tell you that you are to blame for their behaviour, or their situation in life. You most likely are not. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. Everyone has their own sense of agency with which they can make decisions about their life, and take steps towards realising them.
You might need to consider other people when it comes to making your decision, but that is different to you not knowing what decision to make because you don't know how the other person will react.
One is fair compromise, which involves talking things over with another person to identify the best outcome
for both parties. The other is at best, you taking responsibility for other people, and at worst, being manipulated to believe that others are your responsibility.
Check out these blogs if this ishitting a chord. How keeping other's happy is making you unhappy. And When all you give is not enough.
Strategy 2: Leaves on a Stream
Your thoughts are things which you can manipulate. Whenever a self-doubting thought enters your mind, imagine placing it on a leaf, which then floats away downriver until you can't see it anymore. Do this with every self-doubting thought that comes into your mind.
Calmly watch them float away on the gentle stream.
Like it? Check out this YouTube link to guided meditation for leaves on a stream.
Strategy 3: A confident person
Think about a person in your life who doesn't seem to struggle with self-doubt. Imagine a confident person
talking back to the doubts. Whatever they are saying is just right, and it makes each doubt turn around and walk away. The doubts don't stand a chance against this person. Whenever a new doubt appears, imagine this person talking
back to it.
Strategy 4: Trap the doubts on paper
Write each of your doubts down on paper. Separate them into lists - thoughts that actually require your attention and some follow up, or thoughts that aren't helpful and are just wasting your time. Action the thoughts that need it, tear up the rest.
Strategy 5: Get centred
You spend most of your time thinking about the future or the past. Come back to the present by looking around you, being what you can see, and taking a few breaths. Then pull yourself into your body and mind and think about what is right for you. You might like to write this down.
Strategy 6: Release them
Your doubts exist within your mind. Picture the thoughts and imagine them flowing out of your mind, down your body into your feet, through the soles of your feet and into the earth and then far far away. Do this practice until your mind feels free of doubt. You might like to take your shoes off and place your feet directly on the ground during this practice. Experiment with different surfaces - grass, earth, sand, water, decking.
Strategy 7: Blow them away
Picture the doubts in your mind, then imagine breathing each doubt out, one at a time. Blow each doubt as far away from yourself as you can. Then breathe in confidence and reassurance.
Repeat for each doubt as it pops up.
Strategy 8: Give yourself what you need
Imagine a trusted loving person in your life, giving you reassurance and guidance on what is right for you, what is best for you. Listen to what they have to say and see if it feels right for you. If they are a bit off, think for yourself about what you need at the moment and then do it.
Strategy 9: Pretend you had no doubts
Fake it till you make it! What would you do if you had no doubts? Write this down. Think about how you can
achieve this. When the doubts well up, use the strategies above to let the doubts go.
Troubleshooting
Not working? Make sure you're grounded first. Feel into the points of connection between yourself and what your body is touching. Notice your breath, without trying to change it. Let your breath flow down your legs, down your arms, fill your torso, fill your head. Feel further into your body and what it is touching. Now try the strategies above again.
If you find grounding into your body too triggering, I am working on a resource to help with just that. Email me to receive a copy - it's available for free at the moment while I seek feedback on it and figure out where to take it next.
Take courage - each time practice these strategies, you are fighting back against self-doubt and moving towards self-confidence.
It will take time, but I believe in you!
Need something more? In my next blog I tell you how to do a deep clean on your self doubt!
written by Anna Wiederroth,Clinical Psychologist