There's a long list of self-care activities suggested on the internet.
· Mindful drawing
· Massage
· Cup of tea
· Going for a walk
You've probably heard of all of these right?
· Read a book
· Play with your dog
· Go to the beach
· Take a yoga class
These are all great suggestions, they really are. And if you have the energy to do them, they can really feel like self-care.
But without enough reserve energy, self-care starts to feel like chores.
If you are nodding along with me here, your life probably feels like a never-ending to do-list. You've switched to autopilot just to get by, not really sensing or feeling life. Not enjoying it.
You don't have the energy to add more things to that to-do list, even if it is self-care activities.
Have you heard of the analogy of the leaky bucket?
Figure 1. Leaky bucket model, adapted from Nash 2019.
The water is your energy reserves, the resources you have at your disposal to do life. Your obligations slowly but surely drain your bucket.
At this stage of your life, your bucket has so many holes (obligations) that it is emptying out quicker than it is being filled back up.
Plus you cut out the fun stuff in your life ages ago, to give you more time for your eever growing to-do list. Meaning your bucket is not even being replenished.
The result? You are running on fumes. You have burnt out.
The good news is, is that somehow you've stumbled across this blog and have kept reading.
For you, self-care starts with looking at the holes in your bucket.
Step 1: Work out what parts of your life are draining your energy.
Here's some suggestions:
- your relationship. Built up resentment and disappointment and having over extended yourself to keep your partner happy.
- family relationships. You're the peace keeper, the glue that holds everyone together and organises everyone's life.
- your work. Somehow you have a hundred things on the go, and only 30% of them are your actual job.
- work load. You see all the ways work could function better, smoother, easier. You make suggestions, but they're not acted upon.
- money. You don't even want to look at your budget, but you know it's bad.
- kids. You want so badly to spend more time with them, and feel guilty and ashamed at every opportunity you miss to do so.
- bills. They're everywhere.
- pets. They beg you for walks and to play with them. Cuddling with them though still feels special.
- friends. Everyone seems to have disappeared. You only seem to hear from them if they need something.
- sleep. Nights spent lying awake trying to go to sleep are exhausting.
The list goes on. And I would suggest you write down where your energy is going.
Step 2 is evaluating which parts you can do something about. Which holes in your bucket you can plug even a bit, if not fully.
If you are looking back over your list and feel like it's all out of your control, I would suggest reading my blogs on boundaries. Or talking it over with a friend. Or giving therapy a go. See if you can get the perspective of
someone who is not stuck in your situation.
OK, we know what your energy drains are, and you've found one or two areas where you think you might be able to do something different.
Step 3 is doing things different.
If you keep doing everything the same, nothing will change. You will keep running on fumes.
Odds are that the things you will do different will include saying"no" to people.
But starting to say "no" to people who are used to hearing"yes" from you is no easy feat. Actually it's super hard.
Not only do you battle with the guilt that comes from saying no, you have no idea how the person is going to respond to your "no". And that uncertainty generates anxiety. And so you are likely to avoid it. Which
means everything stays the same. Check out "What does a healthy boundary look like?" and "Why does being assertive make me anxious?".
The other thing you'll need to do different, is asking for help.
Who you ask for help will vary with your situation. You've taken on too much, and other people's stuff besides. Your obligations are more than one person can accomplish.
Take another look at your list of what's draining your energy and brainstorm who could help with what.
Start small. Pick something easy. Choose someone kind. Use the little energy you have left wisely.
It's less glamorous than mindful colouring or yoga, but it will help you climb out of this burnt-out place in the long run.
And then you can begin:
Step 4: reintroducing the fun into your life.
Like going out with friends again. Getting back into that hobby. Travelling, even locally. Reconnecting with your spirituality. Playing sport again. Reading. Trying new places to eat. Playing with your kids, with your
pets. Rediscovering intimacy with your partner. Going on dates again.
It's this stuff that will start to refill your bucket. And with the holes mostly plugged, you end up with energy left over.
Give these steps a go. Start moving towards a version of you that isn't burnt out. And towards a life which you can enjoy again.
Written by Anna Wiederroth, Clinical Psychologist.
P.S. If you find that you get 'bounced' out of your body by the state of fatigue or intensity of emotions you encounter in there, I'm developing a resource that might interest you. I'm making it available for free while I fine-tune it. If you'd like to help me perfect it, email me at anna@annawpsychology.com for a copy or subscribe below.
1. Nash, William. (2019). Chapter 7 US Marine CorpS and navy CoMbat andoperational StreSS ContinUUM Model: a tool for leaderS.