You're the nice guy, or girl. The one people turn to when they have a problem, when they need help with something. You don't mind putting yourself out for a friend in need.
Trouble is, lately you've realised people might be taking advantage of you.
How did 'being nice' become 'being walked all over'?
Why don't people respect you more? You do so much for them, why do they take you for granted?
You didn't start out a doormat, so how did you end up there? You were doing people favour's, lending them a hand. Now you're stretched mega-thin with no time left to think about you, or just to think, full stop.
"Being Nice"
Altruism is part of your nature. You like helping others, you like feeling useful, like you are contributing in a meaningful way. You don't expect anything back. Trouble is, you have...
"Trouble Saying 'No'"
Just the thought of it makes your insides churn. You'd hate to think what so-and-so would think of you if you rejected them. You'd hate to think how so-and-so would feel once you rejected them! You really, really...
"Don't want to hurt people"
You..
"Don't want to let them down"
After all, they are coming to you for help. If they need help, they have a problem that they cannot solve on their own. If they have come to you, they believe you have the answer. And if you have the answer, it's not fair to withhold it from them, is it? Withholding something from them that would help them would make you...
"Feel like a bad person"
evidenced by you being...
"Wracked with Guilt"
You just couldn't live with yourself if someone else, a colleague, a friend, a relative, would have to suffer because you chose not to help them. Why should they go without, when you have plenty to go around? Well, because it leads to you becoming...
"Burnt out from keeping others happy"
You don't have limitless sources of time, energy, love, money. No one does. But this is the impression you give to those individuals who keep asking for more. They, in all probability, don't know about everyone else asking for your help. Or maybe it is just one person, who seems to need help with everything, all the time. You seem like the go-to person, so they go to you. You also fear that, should you start saying 'No'...
"They'll stop being my friend"
They won't have anything to do with you, they'll tell everyone else and then no one will like you anymore. Everyone will think ill of you. Better to be burnt-out than to be totally alone.
Sounds about right? So, let's start unravelling this,one step at a time.
1. When you start saying 'No' it does not have to equate to you 'not being nice'.
Think about it. Think about all those people you've heard say 'No' in some way, whether it's not having the time right now, or the energy. Sure, some of them come across as jerks, but you don't have to. Far from it. You can say 'No', and still be kind and compassionate. For example...
Alex: "Hey Drew, we're out of Milk, could you run to the shops and grab some?"
Drew: "I don't have the energy right now. I'm out tomorrow and can grab some then, or if you need it now you could grab it."
Alex might grumble, but Drew is being perfectly reasonable (Don't you think?).
2. When you start saying 'No' it doesn't automatically put the other person up the proverbial creek.
The person doing the asking has their own resourcefulness. One of the ways they are resourceful, is to ask you for help. If that help is not forthcoming, they will find another way to solve their problem. Most people are excellent problem-solvers. For example...
Alex: "Oh fair enough, I'll just get a take-away coffee tomorrow morning."
And even if Alex needed Milk there and then and couldn't muster the energy to go out and get it, I'm pretty sure Alex will survive. If Alex needed it enough, Alex could go get it themselves (or maybe even Uber Eat's it?).
3. When you say 'No' to people you aren't hurting them or making them think badly of you.
Sure, they might be surprised to hear you say 'No' if they are used to hearing 'Yes' from you. But at the end of the day, every single one of us has the right to say 'No'. Most people are like Alex, who don't think any more on the subject and move on.
But let's up the stakes a bit. Let's say Alex needed to loan money from Drew, and Drew says 'No'.
Alex: "Hey Drew, I'm short this week for rent, could you spot me $200? I'll pay you back next week, I promise."
Drew: "Alex I'm not comfortable lending you money again, this is becoming a bit of a habit."
Alex: "What am I meant to do then! I'll get kicked out!"
Now, Alex is using a little thing called the 'guilt trip'. It's worked in the past, and Alex is pretty confident Drew will give in. Alex looks forlornly at Drew.
Alex: "Please Drew! You're my only hope!"
But Drew, to Alex's surprise, replies "Look Alex, I'm happy to help you work out a budget, or link you to a free budgeting service (Lifeline offers one). You could call the real-estate and explain that you'll be late. Or you could take back (insert $200 worth of purchases) and pay the rent with that."
Alex is dumb-founded that Drew has not given in. Alex feels embarrassed at the idea of calling the real-estate or at taking back the new items. But Alex knows Drew is right. Alex might have to reconsider relying on Drew for financial help in the future. Maybe even make a budget, sigh.
Can you see how Drew's 'No' has ended up helping both of them? Drew doesn't have to forgo another $200, and probably repeat the same cycle again next fortnight, and Alex has had to face the reality of the situation and be more responsible.
Note: If Alex were to keep pressing Drew, perhaps even get angry at Drew for not solving the problem, threatening Drew in some way or belittling Drew through name calling and insults, then Alex has crossed the line into abusive territory. Drew, nor you, has to accept such behaviour. You can find services that provide
telephone or online counselling for Domestic Violence here.
4. Saying 'No' does not make you a bad person. And the guilt you feel after saying 'No' is unnecessary.
Having walked through the situation with Drew and Alex, do you agree? Or do you think that Drew is a bad person, and should feel guilty for not helping Alex?
If you do think Drew is a bad person and should feel guilty, spend some time reflecting on where this comes from. You might have some ingrained beliefs from your childhood. How did your parents or primary carers balance looking after their own needs versus those of others? Was there a balance?
5. Those who Matter don't Mind, and those who Mind don't Matter.
You most likely will not be losing friends by the droves when you start looking after your own needs instead of saying 'Yes' to all of their requests.
If you do it would suggest that they were not true friends to begin with, but rather kept your association only while it was of use to them. Such transactional (and one way) relationships are hardly rewarding for you. Instead they are a massive drain on your resources, both physical, mental and spiritual.
You'll probably find that once such people leave your life, that space and opportunity opens up for true friends to enter your life. Those who believe that your happiness and well-being is as important as their own. Those who won't mind if you assert your needs and boundaries.
An aside: I always thought that quote was by Dr.Seuss, but apparently it isn't! It remains anonymous, according to QI.
For more information and more help around setting boundaries (not being a doormat), check out these blogs.
If you want to spend some time figuring out if your relationship is toxic to you, check out my Online Course Clarify Your Reality. If finances are tight - let me know and we'll negotiate a discount. Whilst focused on women, men can also take the course.
written by Anna Wiederroth, ClinicalPsychologist.
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