Shifting from Surviving to Thriving is hard (understatement of the year). Here I lay out the rough big picture, based on my understanding, of how to achieve this. Knowledge is power, and my hope is that some part of what I share here may help you move towards thriving.
The Beginning
Like your parents, you were born into a family with its own trauma history/mental health issues, and in this environment various aspects of your needs weren’t met.
Broadly, you have physical, emotional, psychological, relational, and spiritual needs.
However, you learnt to survive in a sub-optimal environment and to make do with sub-optimal resources. Gradually, the sub-optimal became your normal.
The way your emotional, physical, psychological, relational, and spiritual needs are met, or not, or abused, becomes internalised – that is, it becomes how your treat yourself, as well as the world. The world seems to give you back more of what you know, thereby confirming the sub-optimal.
The result is that you are operating at a very low upper ceiling (your expectations have been battered down to the very minimal - just what you need to survive).
Never having experienced anything different, you don’t expect anything different, so you don’t get anything different. (This doesn't just shift automatically by you deciding to expect more).
The deprived state you operate in incorporates survival responses, given that you are in the red in terms of your psychological, emotional, physical, relational and spiritual needs.
To survive you rely on a combination of fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses.
Each of these survival responses require a lot of energy to run.
To keep your defences up 24/7, to continually escape danger, to become to still as to be invisible, to completely prioritise others needs over your own. Thi s is taxing stuff, and leaves you exhausted most of the time.
Survival responses are toxic when constantly applied. For some people, they have almost never been switched off.
The Middle (and for some, eternity)
So you have a situation where you are operating in the red, and the act of surviving the world and relationships further taxes your resources.
Your psychological, emotional, relational, spiritual and physical systems are taxed and shot, and that results in and maintains 'mental illness' and physical illness.
The whole thing is a constant chronic loop, on repeat, infinitum, throughout the generations.
You can survive here, but that's all your doing. Surviving.
Shifting Out
The solution, in my experience, starts with you being able to identify, connect with and meet the needs that have been so neglected throughout a lifetime that they have all but atrophied.
This mega challenge exists within another. That is, your survival responses are operating at a 'no to low trust' policy in other people and even in your self (you have a lot of self-doubt right? It comes from not being able to trust your thoughts, perceptions, feelings - which everything I spoke about above contributes to).
The disconnect is so great. To even find yourself in a situation where you trust someone enough to honestly consider and reflect on what you might need, let alone then access the resources to get those needs met (socio-economic; biological, psychological, social, spiritual) is a seemingly monumental task (with the added risk of it not working out and taxing you further).
The process of getting out of the red requires a tonne of trust in yourself and in other people, and that can take a long time to build up to a level sufficient to facilitate the process. (I want to emphasize here that there will be a lot of people in your life who you don't trust for very good reasons! I'm talking about finding people who are trustworthy, for you to begin to place your trust in).
The process of getting out of the red also requires overtly toxic elements of your inner (thoughts, beliefs, behaviours) and outer life to be given up.
This is monumental as well, as these toxic elements (e.g. the abusive partner, the job, the substances, the mindset [e.g. if I keep others happy I’ll be happy; others are out to get me, keep them at arm’s length; take up as little space as possible, don’t make a peep; keep running] are all operating in a way that seems essential to keeping a barely functional life. And they are.
It’s impossible to keep these elements and thrive.
Keeping these elements will always keep you in a survival space because they are toxic – they
are causing you harm mentally, emotionally, psychologically, relationally and spiritually.
But they are all you have known. You don’t know what lies beyond them.
What happens if you leave the toxic relationship/job, what happens if you start
thinking about yourself and life differently.
Each of these ideas can be so terrifying, that the survival instincts kick back into overdrive to keep you 'safe' and away from the unknown.
Even if that unknown has the possibility of better health and well-being.
Your Needs
This brings us back to your needs – those atrophied neglected emotional – psychological – physical - relational – spiritual needs that you don’t even register existing anymore.
If you don’t know what you need, how can you set out to get it?
If you are operating on a level of ‘I need him/her to be worthwhile/mean something’ or that job, or that approach in life, then choosing the toxic situation over and over again is the only thing that makes sense. And this is also part of what will prevent you from experiencing anything different.
Beginning to Shift
Start to notice what drains you, and what nourishes you. (Check out this article for suggestions)
Get very familiar with your survival responses.
Make space for your needs.
The process can start with you making a solid decision to get out of the red. (e.g. setting this as an intention for yourself, such as "I want to learn what my needs are" "I want to move towards thriving" "I'm ready to shift into healthier patterns of relating to myself and others"). (you can check out these affirmation cards for inspiration).
Next, you can start looking at life in terms of what keeps you in the red, and seeking help
from qualified people. I say that because parts of your life will be truly dangerous, and making rash decisions will not be the way to go.
The process of shifting is slow, and you want one or more guides to help you reconnect to the authentic you and your various needs.
You don’t know what you don’t know, and often we can’t see it when we are in it.
Asking for help from the right people when you are prepared, or willing to get prepared, to do the hard work, is essential.
The problem wasn’t created alone and it won’t be solved alone. It takes a village to raise a child. Find your village, access its resources, open yourself to the idea that life can be different. And then repeat.
If reading this article has stirred things up for you, there is free confidential 24/7 telephone support available in Australia, you can find options here:
Anna Wiederroth
Clinical Psychologist (Trauma informed psychodynamic therapist)