We've looked at boundaries, why you don't assert yours, and how it all links to you keeping others happy while ignoring your own needs (see previous blogs).
Now we need to talk about howthis situation can go from bad to worse.
There are people who will take advantage of you.
They've worked out that you want see others happy, and that feel responsible for others when they seem to be in pain. And they've worked out that if they get angry at you or threaten to leave, you tend to do what they want.
You might be in a relationship at the moment where this is happening. Or you recognise it in a past relationship. Or friendships.
If you're currently in this situation, you're probably wondering what is wrong with you. How you could have messed this relationship up so much.
You're probably also thinking that your partner is a good person and it's unfair to blame them. That you are somehow misrepresenting what's happening. That you are betraying them just by reading this.
Please keep reading anyway.
If you're out of that situation,chances are you'd give almost anything to not end up in it again.
Chances are though, you have ended up in it again.
That situation where you are ignoring your own needs in favour of your partners needs.
Where your partner is critical of you and what you do. They might make snyde comments about your decisions, your friends, your efforts in the home. And the more snyde comments they make, the less you assert yourself.
So you try ever harder to do all those things "right". To make them be happy, and loving towards you again, like they used to be.
But all the accommodations you've made, all the things you've given up, compromised over - it's still not enough.
Instead your partner seems toget angrier and more upset with you.
Let's hit the pause button.
With these criticisms your partner is actually reinforcing the idea that you are responsible for their suffering. That you could make everything OK again if you just did things the right way (their way).
This is no longer a healthy relationship. This is toxic.
And it can easily cross the border into abuse, Domestic Violence.
Both men and women are victims of Domestic Violence and it is never OK.
Often these relationships start out wonderfully, with a charming and caring partner. But gradually over time they deteriorate. The cold hard truth is that abusive relationships can become so extreme that partner's sometimes kill their victims.
If even a part of you thinks this might be happening for you, reach out and get help. Talk to your doctor, a trusted friend, or call one of the free helplines (DV Connect 1800 811 811). Go to Reachout.com for more information about what domestic violence looks like.
Even if it's just to rule it out.
You might ask what's the point in getting help?
The point is you. Your well-being.
You can also take steps towards not getting into these kinds of relationships.
The first is acknowledging that you tend to end up in relationships like these, where your partner takes advantage of you.
Another thing you can do right now, is to write down the warning signs that this kind of relationship is developing again, which hindsight makes so clear. For example that are you feeling more insecure, adjusting your behavior to suit your partner (or friend), that they are critical of you.
Also, take a look at your boundaries, and reassess what you will and won't accept from someone else.
Aside from self-help, there is of course therapy. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your tendency to put others first, how you end up in relationships where you are are taken advantage of, and help you get out of this relationship pattern.
If you want to spend some time figuring out if your relationship is toxic to you, check out my Online Course Clarify Your Reality. If finances are tight - let me know and we'll negotiate a discount. Whilst focused on women, men can also take the course.
Written by Anna Wiederroth,Clinical Psychologist.
Since publishing this article Ihave found the following guide for safety planning which is very detailed and informative:
I have also been asked to add the following links to this blog. I hope they will be helpful.
Financial help for leaving abusive relationships:
Global list of help for domestic violence:
Guide on digital abuse, aprintable emergency escape plan, and support services for housing, immigration and financial independence (US based):
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