In my previous blog, I looked at the belief structure behind the anxiety that's stopping you from asserting your boundaries and keeping you feeling stuck.
To recap:
1. Expecting a negative outcome for yourself.
2. Expecting to cause a negative experience for someone else.
3. Expecting to lose that relationship.
Now we'll look at how this results in you putting others needs first. Not just sometimes, but all the time. And likely feeling like a doormat in some relationships as a result.
Even though we have listed your own suffering as number "1" up there, chances are you are far more concerned about causing suffering to other people. Because this might lead to number "3", the loss of that relationship.
This is a key part of the equation.
Some people will go to great lengths to avoid any action that could put others out, in case they up and leave.
It might range from not wanting to interrupt someone, all the way through to incurring great personal debt, and everything in between.
How does this happen?
That is complicated and will vary a bit, but some commonalities include:
- having a history of people leaving you or withdrawing affection after an objectively minor event involving some action, deed or statement from you that asserted your needs/boundaries.
- having a history of people shout, yell, cry, make threats of self-harm at you after an objectively minor event involving some action, deed or statement from you that asserted your needs/boundaries.
These might be experiences you had during your childhood, during your school years or even later in adulthood.
Repeated experiences such as these, particularly early exposure to them, have consequences.
First, it makes it seem like this is just how people react if you assert yourself - people will either abandon you or spack out at you.
Second, it doesn't teach you the other ways that people react to you asserting yourself (that they are quite happy to know about and respect your boundaries and needs. Yes, it's a thing.)
Three, you learn that it is safest to keep quiet about your own needs, if you want the other person to stay OK and remain in your life.
When you then go out into the world, you've been set up not only to 'not assert' yourself, but also to try and keep other people happy.
Which means you put their needs above your own.
You've probably been doing this for so long that you don't even know what your needs are anymore. And you're quite happy to work in around whatever other people need or seem to need, because you love and care about them. You want them in your life.
Sometimes the people in your life would be really welcoming to your needs, and would cherish being able to make you happy for a change. They have your best interests at heart and occasionally manage to squeeze a preference out of you.
If this is your life, things are kind of OK.
Yes, you (secretly) get tired of being taken for granted.
Yes, you're so preoccupied with how to meet everyone's needs that you can't sleep.
Yes, your stress is so high you have indigestion and IBS.
Yes, you snap sometimes and do or say things you regret.
Yes, you have headaches all the time, you're muscles are as tight as bowstrings, you're unhappy at work, dissatisfied in your relationships, feeling stuck and undervalued...
but at least you have friends, an intimate partner!
Hmm.. Maybe it's not working so well. It could certainly work better.
Face it, you have burnt out. You have lovely friends, a love interest, but you are unhappy. You're tired. Exhausted. And over it.
You've already taken the first step to leading a different life. You've started reading about what's happening for you, looking at some hard truths, wondering where to go from here.
I invite you to consider therapy. Talking your experiences through with someone, and working through the tough emotional stuff, can really start to make a difference.
If you want to spend some time figuring out if your relationship is draining you, check out my Online Course Clarify Your Reality. If finances are tight - let me know and we'll negotiate a discount.
Written by Anna Wiederroth, Clinical Psychologist.
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