"Someone who is assertive states their needs and opinions clearly, so that people take notice." (Collins Dictionary, 1)
This is the dictionarydefinition of "Assertive". When you google assertive communication, you find lots of articles and pages talking about how being assertive will boost your confidence.
So why oh why does just the idea of being assertive make your skin crawl?
This comes back to what I wasspeaking to in my last blog, "Why fight/flight/freezewith boundary crossing?", when I referred to your early life experiences.
The thing is, when we have a history of people responding aggressively to us, we come to expect this from other people.
If someone takes notice of us, there's the potential for it to go bad. If we stay quiet, it seems like we're not risking anything.
Underneath this there are a few beliefs, founded on our experiences. These are usually subconscious, but you'll probably recognize them.
You believe that if you state your needs you would get shut down/disregarded/seem slefish.
Does that fit? The particulars of how it would be bad for you will vary with different people, but at the end of the day, you expect it to go badly.
You probably also believe that if you were to assert your needs, it would put someone else out/make their day worse.
Am I right?
So not only is there apprehension about how the other person will respond your boundary, there's a worry that stating your boundary would somehow make the other person's life more difficult.
So far it's bad for you, and it's bad for them.
Then we go one step deeper.
You believe that if you make their life difficult, they will leave.
Let that sink in for a moment, because it's the tri-factor for generating anxiety. And not only anxiety, but also for making you feel stuck. Like you can't do anything right. And hence leading to inaction. And stress. And more anxiety.
1. Expecting a negative out come for yourself.
2. Expecting to cause a negative experience for someone else.
3. Expecting to lose that relationship.
This is really heavy stuff, andif this is resonating with you then I would encourage you to seek therapy.
Because of how deeply held these beliefs are, you can't logic your way out of them.
Even if you have had a"lightbulb" moment here, the next time you're in a position to assert yourself, all the yucky feelings will trump the logic.
It's the emotional reality underneath the intellectual insights that we have to work through to experience deep and meaningful change.
This is the real work that gets carried out in therapy. It's hard and it's messy, it takes time and commitment, but it's worth it.
Therapy is a journey that can lead you to feel more comfortable in your own skin, more confident to assert yourself, and less scared of how others will react to you. Imagine what would be possible then!
Written by Anna Wiederroth,Clinical Psychologist.
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