In the last blog I highlighted three ways of responding to boundary crossings. To recap:
1. You are stunned into silence. You freeze up and don't sayanything to the other person. You seem to go along with what has been asked/done.
2. You are shocked into anger. You lash out with angry words oreven physically.
3. You are scared into retreat. You might even end that relationship,suddenly cutting the person off and not speaking to them again.
Now let's look at these in terms of what drives them.
You might recognize the undepinnings of the fight/flight/freeze response. This is an automatic biological response to keep us safe from danger.
Depending on the boundary that was crossed, and by whom, you might find that you've reacted in all three ways over time.
But why would the fight/flight/freeze response be getting activated when your boundaries are crossed?
Remember our metaphor of crossing the fence. How would you feel if a stranger crossed the fence at your home?
Would this set of a stress response, or would you feel cool as a cucumber and able to handle it?
What if it was night time? What if your children were in the yard? What if you were home alone?
Would you stand and fight the stranger off?
Would you freeze up and not know what to do?
Would you run for help?
Automatic systems which assess the situation versus our capacity and resources to deal with it get activated, reaching conclusions and cueing behavioural responses in microseconds.
Thinking it through logically here is not the same as when you have the actual experience.
The fight/flight/freeze response is hardwired into all of us. But different life experiences can sensitize our adrenal system and hence this response.
Ultimately, understanding what drives your responses to boundary crossings is part of what we do in therapy. It's too complex to truly do justice here, but we can make a start.
Do you have some stand-out memories of how adults responded when you did something wrong, or thought you did something wrong as a child?
Maybe you got screamed at when you interupted adults having a conversation. Or a backhanded slap. Or comments undermining your character.
Early life experiences teach you about how people respond to you if you appear assertive Vs meek, aggressive Vs passive, present Vs absent.
During our early years of development, the foundations of how we understand the world and people in it are laid down.
If we learn that people willbecome aggressive if we assert ourselves, and we depend on them for our sustenance, then we soon learn to adopt a meeker attitude, to give in to the aggressor. To freeze rather than to react at all because it is safer. Or to run away from the aggressor rather than cop a beating. And we might learn, through repeated observation of the aggressor, to use aggression ourselves when we feel threatened.
One instance is not going to make this happen, but repeated over time and in different circumstances, it becomes implicit memory. This means that we feel that this is just how the world is.
Particularly with "1.You are stunned into silence", it all adds up to a person who seems to have poor boundaries because their boundaries seem hard to find. People who can get pushed a little further in the direction of something that goes against their true wishes.
What can I do?
It is helpful to start becoming aware of the times you react with fight/flight/freeze, who crossed the boundary and what the boundary was. Then you can start reflecting on what it triggered for you, what you expected from the other person, feared from the other person.
When you start processing this on an emotional level, you can start to move forward from it. But that is very difficult to do on your own, and having a therapist as a guide is a big asset.
Therapist's informed by Psychodynamic therapy are skilled at helping you negotiate this space. They help you become conscious of the situations that activate your struggle, and the unconscious aspects of your life that maintain the struggle. They work with the therapeutic relationship to get in touch with your implicit learnings, and to gently help you discover that there are other realities. It is an emotional journey, but one that allows you to become a better version of you.
Written by Anna Wiederroth,Clinical Psychologist.
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