You're starting to recognise where some of your boundaries are. But what do you do when they're crossed?
Your reaction will depend on the size of the boundary violation. Some don't really bother you and you let these go. But when they generate that visceral reaction, chances are you might respond in one of these ways:
1. You are stunned into silence. You freeze up and don't say anything to the other person. You seem to go along with what has been asked/done.
2. You are shocked into anger. You lash out with angry words or even physically.
3. You are scared into retreat. You might even end that relationship, suddenly cutting the person off and not speaking to them again.
Sound familiar? You can probably think of scenarios where you have reacted in one of these ways, or even a couple of them. Thinking back, do you remember what boundary was crossed?
It's important to say that in some situations each of these reactions are adaptive. That is, they make it more likely that you survive.
But if you find that you are reacting like this in more common situations, like if a neighbor asks you too personal a question, or a friend makes a disparaging comment about one of your loved ones, then any of the above responses aren't that helpful.
How these responses can negatively impact your and your relationships:
The first response leads othersto chronically cross your boundaries, leaving you feeling chronically stressed and anxious and super uncomfortable in their presence.
The second response might mean that person doesn't cross that boundary again, but it also likely means that your relationship with them starts falling apart. They become scared of you, avoid you.
The third response might meanthat you don't have many people left in your life.
Looking into your responses to boundary crossings is important. Because it's normal for others to cross your boundaries. After all, they are invisible.
Your neighbour might not have realised how personal the question felt to you. Your friend might not have realised how disparaging that comment was.
The way you respond will varywith such factors as the person involved, the situation you're in, and your mood at the time.
Like I said, boundaries are complex.
Next, I start to look at what drives these different responses.
For now, keep noticing whereyour boundaries are, as well as who crossed them and how you responded.
Written by Anna Wiederroth,Clinical Psychologist.
www.annawpsychology.com