First of all, what are boundaries?
Chances are you've heard of them. You know you should have them. But what are they, and where are they?
An example of a physical boundary is the fence around your home. Regardless of how far away it is from your home, people generally know not to cross this boundary. Some people have a fence a scant meter from their home, some have it a hundred meters away, most are somewhere in between.
The boundaries we're talking about here aren't physical, they can't be seen. And this means that sometimes people cross them without intending to. And only you know if they have been crossed.
How do you know if one of your boundaries has been crossed?
You feel it. It's a visceral sensation in your body. You might feel uneasy, or anxious, or angry, or like your skin is crawling. But you definitely feel it.
Everybody's boundaries are different. A good example is personal space.This varies depending on such factors as culture, gender, familiarity, as well as personal preference.
"Australians usually keep about an arm’s length distance betweenone another when talking, and sometimes a little extra between men and women depending on how well they know each other." (1)
Did you notice yourself backing away when someone stood too close to you? Only for them to shuffle closer again. And you to take another step back. And they towards you. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... .
This little dance is a good example of two people with different boundaries communicating. Both are trying to keep themselves comfortable, but each is uncomfortable with the others personal space boundary.
Some less obvious boundaries include:
- Talking.
- Swearing.
- Listening.
- Silence.
- Touch.
- Eye contact.
- Giving feedback.
- Taking feedback.
And all of these vary again depending on the situation. And who you'rewith. How much of each you do, when you do it, how willing you are to do it or accept it, what kind you're willing to accept.
Think about what you feel comfortable with from the following:
- your partner
- your child
- your mother
- your father
- your boss
- the check out person
- your neighbour
- a mate
- a colleague
What you say, how you talk, what you talk about, how much listening you do, how much eye contact you make, the type of touch you give or accept, the feedback you give or take. All of these vary hugely depending on who you're with.
Boundaries are hugely complex.
And they vary by place, by what mood you're in, by how tired you are, by how intoxicated you are, by the novelty or familiarity of the situation you're in.
And this is true for every person that you interact with as well, infact, every one on the planet.
You might be starting to see how much of a role boundaries play in your relationships. Every day. Perhaps you're starting to notice some patterns in your boundaries. People with whom you have "better" boundaries. People you wish you had better boundaries with.
So, what do I do now that I know about my boundaries?
And how do I get better boundaries with certain people?
And how do I communicate my boundaries?
Great questions! I'll respond to them and more in upcoming blogs.
Are there other questions that came up from reading this blog? Pleasecomment below and I'll do my best to answer them.
Next, I'll take a look at your reactions when someone crosses oneof your boundaries.
Written by Anna Wiederroth, Clinical Psychologist.
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